Roast This, Bit@h!

Roasting is so damn easy, that I considered not even putting a section about the proper ways to roast in the lesson section. Then I remembered who I was dealing with, so thought it couldn’t hurt.

The biggest risk in roasting is the meat or food drying out. We’ve all had Auntie Mae’s or even Uncle Tom’s Thanksgiving turkey where it felt like we were eating cotton balls and gravy. Well, this was probably because he roasted it at either too low or too high a temperature. That stupid bitch. Too low and the meat doesn’t seal and keep the juices in. Too high and, well, it just goes dry.

The basic steps to roasting are as follows:  Start with a high heat to seal the meat and keep the juices inside. Then after 10-20 minutes, lower the heat to finish it. Basting will be helpful to keep the meat juicy if you are making a pork or beef roast, but really just serves to make the skin of a whole bird look nice and golden brown. Either way, keep basting to a minimum to keep the heat in the oven, and only do it in the last hour of cooking.

When roasting whole birds, I find that if you start with the breast down and then turn it over for the last half hour, the juices will re-distribute in the breast making it one juicy mother f%@ker. However, this may be very difficult to do when you are dealing with larger birds.

Also, be sure to keep all the juices at the end for a gravy. You can use half for gravy and then freeze the rest for a sauce, or to make a soup, or stew out of later on.