Stewing the Bit@h

So you’ve got some vegetables and meat that’re gonna go bad if you don’t use them soon. What the hell do you do with them? You stew ‘em bitch!  A great stew can be a hearty meal or a great mid-winter comfort. And it’s pretty damn easy to make. You can also freeze it and then heat it up on those nights that you’re an even lazier bitch than normal.

Stews are very similar to braises. You throw the damn food into a pot, fill it with some sort of savory liquid and simmer it for a long time. The main differences are these:

In a stew, you use cut-up vegetables and meat; in a braise, you typically use the whole cut of meat.

In a stew, you immerse the food in the broth; in a braise, you submerge the food halfway.

 

WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I STEW?

 

As with braising, you get the best bang for your buck when you use the toughest and cheapest cuts of meat. Shanks, briskets, chuck, and chicken are all great candidates. As far as vegetables go: root vegetables and other hard vegetables such as celery are perfect for stewing.

 

ENOUGH WITH THE EXPLANATION, HOW DO I STEW BIT@H?

 

First of all, remember who you’re talking to. I am the bitchmaster, and you my friend, are the bitch!

1. Dredge chunks of meat in flour (this will also help to thicken the stew later on.)
2. Saute some onion and/ or garlic in a pot.
3. In the same pot, sear meat on all sides. When sufficiently browned, add the vegetables and sauté for a couple of minutes.
4. Deglaze the pot with whatever liquid you plan to use. You can leave the meat in for this step or take it out. I find it’s easier with the meat in.
5. Pour in enough liquid to just cover the meat, and bring it to a simmer. You can either stew it on the stove-top on a very low setting, or in a Dutch Oven or cast-iron, coverable pot in the oven. But again, as with pan roasting, don’t be a stupid bitch and use a pot that is not oven-safe.
6. Cover tightly, and let simmer for the duration of the recipe.
7. If the liquid is still not thick enough, you can use a slurry (cornstarch in water and mixed thoroughly—about a teaspoon of cornstarch in a half a cup of water). You can also use a roux (equal parts butter and flour) to thicken the liquid as well.

 

WHAT DO I DO WITH THE USELESS VEGETABLES, BIT@H?

 

Listen, I am not gonna tell you again. You are the bitch here! After stewing for a long time, some of the vegetables in the stew are gonna basically disintegrate. You can do one of the following:

Throw the damn things out and replace them in the last 40 minutes with fresh ones. However, this will make you a wasteful bitch, so I recommend this next option:

Remove them, toss ‘em in your freakin’ food processor and purée them. Then replace them back into the stew. This will help thicken the stew and retain the flavor.

 

USING A CROCKPOT TO STEW

 

I love my crockpot more than sex. It is one of the most useful appliances in my kitchen and I love to just throw some crap in there, turn it on, and come back hours later to an amazing meal.

Here’s the thing, though. An important step in stewing and braising is browning the food before you simmer it. When you use a crockpot, you can’t really brown the food inside of it. So, what you can do is brown the food in a pan on the stove, place it in the crockpot, deglaze the pan and then pour it, and the cooking liquid into the crockpot.