Make the Perfect Gravy Every Time!
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Bit@hes are always asking me why their gravy always sucks worse than a two dollar hooker whose just had her wisdom teeth pulled after breaking her jaw when she fell down running from the cops. (Yeah, that bad.) They say that it’s too lumpy, thick or not smooth enough. Well, you’re in luck, because in this week’s cooking lesson, I am going to give you tips on how to make the perfect gravy. And if you are still a lazy bit@h, don’t worry, I have also included a video on how to make the best gravy you ever tasted starting from a can.
I have found that most bit@hes in the kitchen make the same avoidable mistakes when they make their gravy. So let’s start by explaining why the most common errors are made. Then I will tie everything together at the end by giving you a simple recipe using all of the tips I talked about:
Too Lumpy: If your gravy is too lumpy, it means two things. 1) You added flour directly to the base (drippings, stock, etc.) without stirring it sufficiently and 2) You probably didn’t give it enough time to “smooth itself out.” Typically it takes about 5-10 minutes of simmering while covered to help smooth it out.
However, the best way to avoid lumps is not to add the flour directly to your base in the first place. I have found that starting with a roux goes a long way to making a non-lumpy gravy because the lumps are smoothed even beforehand. If you do add the flour to the base, you will find that if you cover the gravy and let simmer for 5 minutes will usually get out most of the lumps. If you still find that there are lumps, you can always cheat and push the gravy through a strainer. However, if you follow the recipe below, you won’t have to.
Too Thick: If your gravy is too thick, it simply means you added too much flour. You can counter this by adding a little wine, stock or broth, or even some water.
Not Smooth and Velvety: The most common reason for this screw-up is that you added too much of your drippings. Doing this can cause an “oily” texture. To help counter this, you can again use some wine or broth. Water won’t help all that well in this instance since it “clashes” with oily substances and only serves to separate it more.
Recipe for the perfect Gravy:
2 Tbsp Butter
1 ½ Tbsp Flour
1 cup Stock or Broth (Chicken for poultry gravy or Beef for lamb or beef gravy)
½ cup Wine (White or Marsala for poultry gravy, Red or Sherry for beef and lamb gravy)
1/3 cup of Drippings
Spices (Spank it Kopita Grecian Blend and My Leaning Tower Italian Blend would work great for poultry gravy and Smoky Pole BBQ and Bourbon St. Bit@hes Cajun Blend would be amazing in beef and lamb gravy)
In a pot, melt the butter on medium heat. Add the flour and stir so it forms a roux and becomes incorporated with the butter. Let it heat for about 30 seconds or so, and then add the stock, wine, drippings and spices. Stir everything to incorporate and raise heat to medium high. Cover and bring to a slow boil. As it comes to a slow boil, it will begin to thicken. Lower heat to low, uncover and stir.
If it is too thick for you, simply add some more wine or stock or water and stir. Let simmer for an additional 5 minutes, covered.
If it is too thin, add flour ½ tsp at a time, stir, cover and let simmer for 5 minutes before adding anymore flour. Remember, that as the gravy cools it will thicken more, so don’t add too much flour.
If it’s too oily, add a bit more wine or stock, stir and let simmer for 5 minutes.
If you are a Lazy Bit@h:
However, if you’re choosing to be a lazy bit@h this, year and want to simply open up a can of gravy, or as I like to call it “Horsesh!t in a Can” you might want to check out our NEW & HILARIOUS Video: Get Me In The Kitchen to Make Canned Gravy Taste Like Homemade
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